She maintains her anonymity because she is in reality a craven little wuss, and because she doesn't want the less bohemian members of her family to figure out all the crazy shit that she gets up to, like [omission of stuff not dealt with in this post] and cavorting with a married man for three years running. (Don't worry, his wife's OK with it.)I swear sometimes when we're walking around my boyfriend's building on the days when we get together, I want to get a T-shirt with those words emblazoned across my chest: HIS WIFE'S OK WITH IT. The people in his building are a fairly tight-knit little community, and while it's not like they give us nasty looks or anything, I do think they must sometimes wonder about that girl he's always got over while his wife's at work. Of course, I'm often over when she's home from work as well, or looking after the pets when the two of them are out of town, and I don't feel self-conscious then. He would say that I'm projecting my insecurities like a good little neurotic, and he's probably right.
Here's the deal. My boyfriend, hereafter referred to as The Boy, and his wife, hereafter referred to as Girl #1, have been married for almost ten years now. They got together in November of 1997, when both were still in high school. Disgustingly cute, I know. Even at that young age, the Boy had always thought that it would be neat to be in love with more than one person like Rand al'Thor, the Robert Jordan protagonist who's married to three hot and powerful ladies. Geek alarm or stud alarm, you be the judge.
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| You know, what with the Rapid Fat Loss diet and all the dead lifts, The Boy isn't too far off from his prepubescent goal. Different tats, though... |
Now here's where a lot of you start gritting your teeth and shaking your fists, because everybody knows that the only reason to have an open relationship is because one or both partners want lots of new and interesting strange, or because someone wants out and just can't say so. It's too complicated, a recipe for disaster and instability that never works. There, I said it for you, now are you ready to keep reading with an open mind? Later on, you should check out Dan Savage's opinion on the matter, or read a really interesting and well-researched book like The Myth of Monogamy or Sex at Dawn. I thought a lot of the same negative things when this nice couple, with whom I'd been friends for a couple of years (and maybe I had a bit of a thing for the male half but I wasn't going to let my mind go there) changed their Facebook relationship status to made it clear that they were both available. I remember the exact second I saw the words "open relationship" on The Boy's profile and was like AW SHIT. I mean, even if he were to like me back, my well-honed common sense and cynicism told me that was a messy place to go.
But go there we did. There was drunken petting of the same cat which suddenly got awkward (although according to the cat in question "awkward" just stood for AWESOME); and there was an exchange of very wordy and erudite text messages ('cause we're academics and sometimes it gets like that); and finally there was a lunch date at which we discussed ground rules and agreed to give it a try. That was August 20, 2008, and we've been trying pretty successfully ever since. I won't say it's always been simple or easy. The version of polyamory that's going on here, in which someone (The Boy) has more than one serious romantic relationship, requires a lot of communication (as do traditional relationships) and there have definitely been bumps in the road, but we've managed to hold on and keep driving. When Girl #1 finds a nice bi or lesbian girl to date, I imagine there will be a whole new round of discussion. So far her dating efforts have been interesting but frustratingly unsuccessful, as statistics are against her.
So, questions I get asked a lot:
Are you Mormons? HELL no, though we do enjoy watching Big Love and Sister Wives, and I think it's hilarious that they have a hymn called "If You Could Hie to Kolob."
Don't you get jealous? Yeah, sometimes. We try to recognize it in ourselves and each other and talk it out. It's usually just some manifestation of an insecurity that one should work through anyway, though society likes to hold jealousy up as a "natural" and adorable symptom of Eternal and Perfect Monogamous True Love (blech...) By this point, I'm most jealous of Girl #1's awesome government job, a feeling which I can easily remedy by bothering to look for one myself.
So do you, um...have threesomes? NO! That's called a triad, and that's not us. Why does everyone think open relationships are a non-stop orgy?
How do you and The Boy have any time together? The Boy has excellent time management skills and is always looking for a way to squeeze more minutes out of the day to call or spend with his girls. (He should really use that as an example on a resume.) It helps that the three of us occasionally hang out as a group for things like True Blood or Dr. Who viewings, and take care of each other's pets. The Boy and I talk on the phone at least three times a day, and see each other two or three times a week, depending on our schedules. I was a bit worried that this wouldn't be enough for me when we first got together, but now I'm quite happy with the arrangement. Before this relationship, I'd been single and living in my own apartment for a long damn time, and I guess it's spoiled me for the traditional live-in arrangement. I very much enjoy my own company and have no desire to change that. I like having The Boy over, but I also like it after he's gone, too. (He moves my stuff around! The nerve! Although by this point quite a bit of my stuff was once his, but still!) When we first got together we used to do overnights at my place and I found myself unable to sleep with him in my bed, despite many opportunities to learn. (He's hot! And he snores!)
Don't you want to get married? I guess I always thought maybe one day I would, if I could find a man in his right mind who would take me, which is a big "if." I was also never too convinced that my dad would agree to pay for or even show up for my wedding, or that I could get the two sides of my family to be in the same place for more than a few hours without a drunken brawl breaking out. So not too many white wedding fantasies for this little girl. As a Christian, though a relatively new one, I'm not entirely convinced that extra-martial sex is a problem Jesus cared about much. This despite the fact that in his time, it had some pretty serious consequences (e.g. no birth control, inevitably resulting in unsupported mothers and illegitimate children). Honestly, he didn't have all that much to say about what marriage should be either. While I respect people's right to get all worked up and misty-eyed about their weddings, be they super religious or just about showing off the pretty dress and the bagged man, I think most of the Christian theology of sacramental marriage is a Frankenstein concept based on a mix of Paul, Augustine, Jewish and pagan tradition, with touches of medieval romantic bunk. I'm even willing to state, right here on the internets, that the oft-quoted line from Genesis 2:24 ("Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh" [NRSV]) applies more to the basic principles of procreation and the need for adolescent emigration than our elaborate concept of marriage and monogamy. Christ quoted it in order to put a stop to the interpretation of Mosaic Law that allowed men to divorce on ridiculous grounds and leave women shamed and with no way to support themselves. So all that to say, I'm happy to be The Boy's concubine indefinitely. And since it's so closely connected to the subject at hand, I support gay marriages both civil and religious (if your denomination can handle it).
What about children? There's a great magnet I saw for sale at the Blue Banana. I wish I'd bought it. It shows a 50s woman in her kitchen with two children running around being brats. Along the bottom it says: "I've child-proofed the house but THEY KEEP GETTING IN." I really thought I wanted kids in my 20s, but funnily enough I never imagined having them with a man in my life. It was always some fantasy Gilmore Girls situation which I knew I would never be able to pull off in reality. I'm sure there are single-mother grad students out there but they must be made out of equal parts cocaine, animal crackers and awesome. So I did a lot of hand wringing about that when we first got together, as The Boy and Girl #1 made it clear that they weren't into kids and didn't think it really worked well in polyamorous situations anyhow. I didn't either (and there are plenty who would argue with me), but I knew I was falling for this guy in a big, long term way ("Ah just cain't quit you!"), and that if this little dating experience became too serious I might miss my kiddie-window (Tick tock, bitches...). But once I got used to being in a proper relationship I realized that the kid fantasies had been a weird way to compensate for the lack of said proper relationship. Between spending time with The Boy and trying to pretend my career has a trajectory, I am very fulfilled and content. I really don't want to have to worry about someone else's shit, literal or figurative.
Do you expect us all to stop having weddings we can't afford and follow your filthy sex-crazed lifestyle? And why do you hate our cute little babies? I don't judge people who have chosen monogamy. I'm technically monogamous myself, it's just that my hot and naughty boyfriend also has a wife, so technically he's the polyamorist. I also don't judge people who choose to have kids. I love kids, I just don't want to be responsible for keeping one alive and turning it into a morally-developed, contributing member of society. That said, you could slow down a bit or get another hobby or something? I just turned 34, so all I see on Facebook are weddings and babies, babies and weddings. Um, have you guys noticed that the economy is for shit and the planet is too crowded? We're all in way too much debt and you're spending $20,000 on a ritual and a nice dinner? Also, unless you're sure you can give birth to the kid that works out cold fusion or invents a portable hole that absorbs many tons of green house gases, maybe you should adopt. And I know you really don't want to hear this, but...not all your babies are cute. Don't make me go to Facebook and show you.
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| Hey, Rowan Atkinson married a giant! |
