Dear Reader,
While I would never presume to impose my beliefs or customs on others, please allow me to make certain suggestions which I believe will enhance your enjoyment of this blog.
1.) Ignore all split infinitives.
2.) You must be this high to ride this blog: __. Yeah, I got low standards.
3.) If you have one of those little sets of stairs to climb up onto an especially high bed, might I suggest you stay away from those for a few hours after reading this blog.
4.) Always choose a designated driver ('cause it's redundant.)
5.) If you are a raccoon, GO. Just go. I know you bastards can read, and you’ve been breaking into my apartment so much lately that nothing I reveal here will be a surprise to you. You've easily conquered my "raccoon-proof" magnetically-locking cat door, and your most recent attempt to get at my cat’s automatic feeder was not only an astounding success, but also managed to make my kitchen look uglier than it already is.
Yes, I know the tiles don’t match. I’m working on that. Do you deny that these are your adorable little footprints?
And the way you sound like a screaming human child when you are fighting outside my window in the middle of the night? Not cool. You guys can get into my green bin faster than I can. OK, maybe there is a bit of grudging respect mixed in with my hatred. You are a Most Honoured Enemy.
6.) The only acceptable font is Times New Roman. THE ONLY. [UPDATE: OK, so it turns out that my favorite font looks too small and eye-straining on Blogger. I hate compromising my principals, but such is the world in which we live. 31/8/11]
7.) If you ever have or ever intend to use a bicycle as a means of conveyance through the streets of Toronto, you must swear to never again ride on the sidewalk. Yes, I know the bike lanes aren’t ideal, but Such Is Life. In fact, if an Angel of the Lord appears before you and says the only way that the lepers of the world can be cured is if you ride your bike down twenty feet of sidewalk, I expect you to politely and regretfully decline, knowing that by doing so you have indeed served the greater good.
8.) I have the worst luck with those bed stairs, and I wouldn't want it to rub off on you. Breaking your ankle is more than a bummer.
9.) If you are in a position that requires you to make any hiring decisions, you should hire a PhD. Especially a humanities PhD. “Aren’t these people supposed to be professors?” you ask. Well, they wanted to be when they were young and stupid, but studies show that only about 50% of humanities PhDs end up in tenure track positions (i.e. gonna be a prof) within five years of attaining their degrees.* Most likely, they didn’t read these studies before they started. And their graduate departments? Well, they knew that very few of those bright-eyed kids they admitted would get the jobs they wanted, but the U of Screwed likes them some money. Yes, the newly minted humanities PhD may seem a bit desperate around the edges and use words that few outside academia use in everyday parlance (like academia and parlance), but that is because they are profoundly insecure and have made terrible life choices. “Aren’t they grossly over-qualified? They’ll get a better job in a few years.” Yeah, maybe, but in the mean time they’ve got bills to pay like you wouldn’t believe, and they will provide your organization with serious, expensively-trained brain power that can also be used as a deadly weapon. [Proviso: If the applicant is male, bad at small talk and a bit on the smelly side, he is likely an engineering or computer science PhD that somehow fell through the cracks. He won't be quite as cute and cuddly as the guys from the Big Bang Theory. An elaborate techno-corporate conspiracy usually keeps these people from paying a cent for their education and sees them well employed once they are done. Pat the poor lost lamb on the head (figuratively! he's greasy!) and send him on his way, as he will be just fine once he and his buddy develop an iPhone app that lets you see through people’s clothes like Superman.]
10.) This blog is sex-positive and profanity-positive. And positively profane.
11.) I like atheists and agnostics just fine, but I like them best when they are tolerant and respectful. For example, if the discussion of anything remotely metaphysical makes you want to get on a pedestal and thunder against those poor fetishistic primitives who feel the need to cling to superstition because of their childish fear of death, you won’t like it here. Go put the finishing touches on the altar--I mean homage--you've built to the rings of Jupiter or Ununoctium in that corner of your bedroom. If you're down with metaphysical talk but think people who go to church are stupid because organized religion is a tool of the man and far more people have been killed in the name of religion than anything else and anyway you're far more "spiritual" than any Jesus zombie, you also won't like it hear. Moreover, you have an originality deficiency.
12.) I'm serious, just clamber onto the bed without them. They're really dangerous.
13.) Gay people can get married on this blog. That's right, Dan Savage, I'm a Christian and I'm pro-gay marriage and in a polyamorous relationship. I love you, but am happy to BLOW YOUR MIND.
14.) You should go make me a cup of tea. Not Dan Savage in particular, just anyone who happens along.
15.) And also, finish ripping my CDs onto my new computer in both iTunes and Media Player. Kthxbai.
*Oh, you want to know what studies? Well...I read one a few years ago and don't remember where it was, and am too tired to look it up now. This should NOT be taken as some kind of case-against-point indictment of the research skills of humanities PhDs. Also: sh'up, mothafucka.
